Es curioso cómo cada momento resulta ser el destino- it's fate!

 

The one twin I watch over- boys are way active, ain't never gettin boring with them 3 carinos ;)

The oldest is 9 years, and twins of 5 years

beautiful day at the park, picknick with my fav <3 person Caitlin aka Cactus



Time square of Barcelona.. haha no but really, un bario muy bueno! The "born" neighorhood



Guapisimas, I love spending time w/ her

mi amiga caitlin

always going city, barcelona is so beautiful

huge green house in a "parque", muy bonito

summertime

dinner at our friends' place en el bario "born"

Friends from class and caitlin and I

Barcelona's time square, smile

paseig de gracia.. ciudate muy bonito

random pictures... isn't it so beautiful

gaudi's influence

city living

Everything takes a little time. It takes time to get from place “A” to place “B”, it takes time to make friends, it takes time to get over loss! Simply said: Everything takes time.
First subject on hand, which I am sure ya’ll want to know about, is: How is the new Family? I had written a blog but hadn’t posted it. Let’s say it short, the title was called: Could I ever feel home? -I am sure with ya’lls wide & wild imagination you can proceed ahead of that step and just know that I wasn’t as “happy”. I mean the family was great I said, buuuuut -there is the mistake I had made- I had all these “imaginations” and “hopes” of how I wished & expected it would be like and set the standards way high and was just simple getting frustrated by the smallest things that really don’t even matter. Now- I have learned that it is the way of perspective that makes people see things negative or positive. Pessimist or optimist. Pesimista o optimista? (English and Spanish are so similar, it’s hilarious) So I told myself: “Andy you have a bad angle of view, how bout you move over a bit and see it’s true beauty” MAAAAN, I tell you! I had been missing out on a beautiful so super amazingly view !!!!
I couldn’t be any happier with how sweet my Host mother is. So cute. We sit and talk day to day, we exchange pasts, she invites me to know about her life, divorce and thoughts, we had times where we stood in the kitchen and started singing “oh happy day” church style and danced while doing it, she invites me to go to the beach with just her (because both of us keep going alone ^^) and she just is so nice. We cook together, we laughed about a “sauce” experiment that went wrong and couldn’t stop laughing. I mean can you hear me? it’s fabulous. She even told me she is going on a day and this woman just truly wants to just be happy! So things that where bugging me like: The mum kind of kept making me cook for all of us- and I was “bitching” about my free time “loss”- suddenly it turned into: She loves my cooking’s and I can cook healthy and she buys all the groceries needed. So I am actually loving that! I can finally cook healthy again, which is so important to me to have a healthy lifestyle. She wants to meet my mother, she said it would be so nice. She wants to meet my friends. I talked to her about boys! It’s so warm and kind. Our “relationship friendship” is great! I feel so comfortable. The boys can be quite hard, but they are oh so cute. And I can do whatever I want with them! It’s oh so great! Seriously! Spanish people are very, very, very kind people. So far I have met a few at least, that are very, very, very kind! SO, the beach is oh so beautiful!, my time spent here is great!
Second subject. Mi carazon- my heart. (and)My life.. Everything takes time-as I had mentioned! And I am starting to realize it. I have been very open to experience with my feelings and to let them come and go as they really are. I feel it would be a mistake to close and bury them in my heart. Because this is the year I am taking to become me- so please let them out, this is why you are here for! I have been reacting pretty quickly to my feelings and it’s okay. I see that I am in the phase of truly becoming me and except it for what it is! So when I talk about how I love “white” but also “turquoise” and feel like One day I prefer “white” and the other day “turquoise“ , I tell myself it‘s okay. For all it means I keep the mindset always at, “if it ain‘t supposed to be it ain‘t supposed to be and I won‘t miss out, it‘s okay my life will turn and be good“ mentality, because I am starting to be so confident, so sure, deep sense of self sight, I know who I am and am starting to connect within myself so much. I am connecting my mind with my body and am becoming one. It’s going through the “really indecisive” phase, but I say- I accept it! It’s been great! I have been meeting great people. I love everything about Barcelona, beside the men, because they are too rapido and quick and bugging and they don’t stop, for them is “no” a “yes” and a “yes” is a “yes” so it’s a “win-win” situation for the men not for us women- It is a definite loss! So unfortunately I haven’t been able to meet any girls from Spain and most Spanish contact is made with men, but I am not shy to say “no” and keep to my standards! So for all of you that know me, here are some facts I feel:
Do I think about my “Ex- boyfriend” ?-Yes,
Do I still believe he is a man I’d get married to and be happy with “Definite yeees”
Am I ready to be married? “ One day it’s a no one day a yes” (which means I don’t know, I feel one day ready to be settled and the other not, but in the end it feels like I need to settle an agreement even if it‘s through other reasons, as an example: to just have my own apartment again! I know I am becoming ready for that stage of life of nesting myself)
Do I think we will become a couple again?: “Not sure, but it‘s becoming okay to think that it might just not be anymore! Which is a good sign of healing ;)”.

It’s okay to know that -yes-we might not and I might lose the men of my dreams and won’t keep him for myself, but I know who I am and will be looking for exactly what I want with high standards in the future! I know everything is going to be alright and that fate will lead my way! I know that my journey will be blessed by god if I follow his ways, and truly believe it! So to my feelings… time is starting to heal my loss and things are starting to be “okay” and “great”. And I am more content then I had ever, ever been. I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin as “ME”, as “ONE”- a person on her own, by herself, all alone! “Everything is gonnna be alright“- like Bob Marley inspired… I can’t say it enough, about how I feel at ease and alive, reinvented, revitalized and most of all relieved- A baggage is dropping that made a hard, hard, hard 5 years - my past, that had been nagging on my mental thoughts for awhile, things I needed and am truly letting go off, the load was way to heavy “weight“ for me to carry ! It’s the time in which I find myselves and struggle to be alone and truly be happy alone, within! It’s coming and I feel it day by day relieving more and more weight! I am becoming me- Within, It feels good! I feel light… I love my life! -this is an experience that is unaccountably the most and best experience in my life! I feel it!

And the grizzle has teeth, too!

So as my last post was already ultra long and about these fun events, her comes some more of my juicy week!
-Today has been a great day- I am thankful that I have had this day… But looking back a week ago.. Let me tell you!
So it was 2-3 days after I had told the mother that I was leaving, things hadn’t gotten better. It was awkward and strange to live there. The mom hated my guts, I am being friendly and the dad, I think feels bad that his wife is being so rude to me. But yes, so one horror night was this: I was asking if I could go out and go training, because 8 o’clock had come and I was done for today. So okay she said, yes,… prima, I picked the girl up from her music class, it already was 8.15. My gym closes at 10 pm, so hopp hopp, I need to go. Quickly went to the restroom and while I was doing my business in there, she said:” Andy can you please hang the laundry before you leave!” I of course replied, "yes of course no problem, I will do that." So I walk out of the bathroom, look at the washmashine and it says that it has about 15 minutes more to go. So I stood there and thought: Is she kidding me- because she knows that my gym closes early and I had told her before it sucks that I don't have that much time there”. So I took all of my strength and asked her politely if I could go workout since the fitness center closes soon and right when I come back hang the clothes up. She said:” hmm no, there are only 15 min. left on the wash machine you can wait, because I want to put more laundry in” So I walk back into the wash kitchen and freaken see that the laundry bins are empty there was only one t-shirt and a pillow case, that isn’t even enough for a load.” So obviously she is trying to kick my ass with this and make me mad. She had never done or espected me to wait- and I have always hang up the laundry or told her she didn't have to do it I will hang up the laundry! But yeah I was standing there in the hall waiting for the wash machine to get over and the girl kept asking me questions, while they were sitting and eating: “ Andy what are you doing there” , “ waiting for the wash machine”, “ ou, why” “ because I need to hang up some laundry”, “ I thought you were supposed to go workout” , “yes I am” this was all said to me, while they were eating dinner. So the girl had never seen that happen before either. So I left after hanging the clothes up. I was just sooo super mad. I had let it get to me and I shouldn't have. I had a great workout because I was soo pissed and mad!!!. I went to sleep and the next morning I just saw everything as a joke. I mean I still was respectful 100 procent, but when I would get in my room or think about her action then I would just laugh in my head. She just kept bringing action like this one. "Ou I don’t want your laundry here (were I usually hang it) please hang it in the basement!.. It's kind of depressing doing laundry on weekends! "Okay… in my head I am laughing.. Vale, so then she had her friend visit again. She changed 180 degrees all the sudden again and all the sudden quit doing these stupid games. She was nicer infront of her friend! She even asked me if I wanted a glass of sekt with her girlfriends and her. Very strange- because she had been so rude and you could tell she was being rude!!. Okay well I was still respectful, nice, friendly and all the above… So cool… I hate a glas of champaigne with them! I did everything she needed and expected me to do all week long. Then came Monday, the day her friend left. Oi, oi, oi, oi… show you teeth grizzly, because I don’t think I have seen them this sharp yet. So 180 degrees back to her pissy, rude self. She just was the same as before, rude.. And all that good stuff that comes with it. All the little actions again.. Blah. She asked me to set the table. I did so, She was in a bad mood, her daughters fought because of something stupid, and the mum was getting annoyed. We sat at the table, and she was lecturing her daughters. Then she looks at me, and starts yelling and lecturing me about everything, about leaving, and all that, right in front of her daughters. It was so awkward, her kids were just sitting there quietly with there eyes wide open and the dad silently cooking and yeah let me tell you super uncomfortable for everyone in there not just me... If you could smeel uncomfort, it definetly stunk wayy bad of uncomfort! Well I took it in. She kept going and going. And I felt so sick to my stomach. I had lived now for 1 week with someone being this rudely to me and I can’t take it anymore. I said, I am sorry, I am not hungry. I put my plates away. She said," if you want to eat then sit down now." I said," I really am not hungry anymore and don't want to eat anything tonight, but thanks." She started yelling at me. "Okay this day, this day, this day I will need you to work and then you need to get all of your stuff out of here. " I said okay, but I can’t stay Friday (And I already had told her that, because my new family needed me to work) So, she freaked out and said you know what how about you leave as soon as possible. I said yes, I feel very uncomfortable living here. And that I would leave earlier. She said well as soon as possible the better. So I left to my room, crying and feeling suuuuper sick to my stomach. She got my suitcases and said, yes good idea you should perhaps leave tonight!…. Wow, wow, wooow, woow, It was 8-9 at night. You know what, I have my car and if I have to sleep in my car, then that will be fine too. I know I might have not been to concerned about what is really important in my life, but I was just prayed and hoped for the best. Sarah came in my room, crying, she said she was going to miss me. We hugged I was crying too. And then I kept going with packing everything. I ended up staying with a friend. It turned out pretty good. I was living out of my car and was wearing the same clothes for ever at least that's how it felt. I tried to crab things out of corners and said: "ou I guess this will have to do" I had to pay lots of money keeping my car in a garage so that noone would break in, because this is Barcelona and stealing is a huge problem here and 99.1 procent chance that it really would have been broken into especially with my foreign plates. But yes, it was crappy and it felt especially crappy because I felt “homeless” and unsettle and I hate that feeling of unsettleness. But what a blessing the family I stayed with was, and showed me such a nice Spanish- warmth and I love love love the Spanish people. I can't say that enough. So today, I rode my car over to Castelldefels and waited 4 hours by the beach to get into my new host families house. And can I tell you. Tranquilidad. I am so happy, happy, happy. The ocean relaxes me and brings a smile to my face. Everyone was running, roller blading , walking, the sun was shinning, blue sky… beautiful. I got to my new place about 8.30pm met the 3 little boys, who are ou soo cute. They asked me many questions, they were very super excited.. They went to bed afterall, the mum showed me around. She helped me take my stuff inside. She explained some things. We talked.. And I feel so happy. She is sooo nice. I have such a good feeling about her and living here. She sincerely cares about her boys and seems like a good mum. I spend the entire night unpacking my stuff and getting settle, because after living out of my car that was just the greatest thing to do, seriously. Really… aghh… thank you! - home, sweet home… start being my home!!!!!!

(pictures and more new about my new home will come soon, have I told you I love it?! stay tuned)

When the teddy bear turns into a grizzle, ey- juicy details- Are you ready for them?

(my internet connection was down, or that's say i didn't have acessabilty to internet- but now yah got a post finally)
So like I had told you something had been stirred up in the pan. Well let’s say it bluntly I found a family that I want to switch into. At first I was very unsure about the decision. The location is perfect it’s Castelldefells, I would live super close to the ocean (three blocks away kind of close). The town is 25 min with train from Barcelona but has all amenities needed: Many fitness studios, many shops, bars, people, even language schools, the ocean of course, a mall, it just is one convenient city to live in and Barcelona is very reachable as well. So as I am super sure about the location but there were a few details that I just weren’t sure about. As an example the money issue. The mother is single parent and can only give as much as she can. You know. So it’s 25 dollars less each week.. In a month that’s 100 euros less.. So it’s harsh, ey. But the family seems super nice, the boys are great, the mum sincerely cares for her boys and people and seems genuine. So these days have been very hard because my current host family was treating me pretty good and the girls, they love me. It’s hard- also because I don’t mean to screw over anyone. But this is the funny thing. Right when I wasn’t sure about the decision which would be better, farted the old but I guess always existing issues back in my face. Babysitting 4 times a week, Friday and Saturday included, extra hours here and there. This situation made me totally sure of my decision: I had asked the mum politely if I could help her in the kitchen with something. Which was meant in the moment with cooking or dishes or anything. She said you know what yes, and started snobbing at me, because I should be talking more English with her daughter. And I probably have to do extra hours on Saturdays with me studying (see she is totally giving me more and more working hours and doesn’t seem to care to give me free time). Then she complained about many other things, and this is the funny thing with her. At first her face is rude in her mimic and all the sudden she snaps out of it and starts being okay again. Which haha, I was told by the Au pair that knew my co-existing Au pair that my Au pair mum always yelled at her and was very rude to her. It’s crazy I didn’t know that. So as I just realize that it’s her attitude towards the Au pairs that will never allow me to feel totally comfortable, she has a weird way about them. Even if I would talk to her about having some more time, she feels like Au pairs have it great living with her. So I realized even talking won’t help. She often had told me that Aupairs had it very good with them, so I knew she just didn’t think that I worked too much. And I also knew that I will never totally feel 100 percent comfortable. So bah bah, this is my decision. Castelldefells! … vale easier thought then said, right, because I had to tell my current Family I was leaving soon. Eijaja, I already had procrastinated 1 week, and 2 other days, and this was really the final day I had to do it. So I started procrastinating again here an hour and there an hour. It was just soo hard. I feel like I am a person good of heart and don’t mean anyone bad. So I took all my breath and just said either you stay here or open your “usuallyalwayswideopened” mouth and do it. So I did it, the mum was mad, she didn’t let me talk, she didn’t understand that I did want to live in the center not in a little town, well let’s say it like that she didn’t even give a shhhh to hear me out. She just said okay when are u going, she was sooo rude I just couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was sooo respectful always towards her, I know they all loved me, but a reaction like this?! -- tziiiiisch that was some harsh haaarsh shhh.. I mean sorry for my language but really. I could give you so many examples and phrases she had said but, really totally ignored my sayings didn’t care for anything, just totally being rude to me. - when the teddy turns into a grizzle ey… I felt like I was talking to a 7 year old, ey.. So tell me - This obviously must have been the right decision if she has such a bad personality behind herself. Okay well this was the first night, maybe the other days would be better.. I up and left to pick the girl from her music school, I didn’t care that I was an half hour early I just needed to get the freak out of there seriously. So when I got back, she talked in front of the girls to me rudely again. The dad was okay, understood and was respectful and nice. I left for a night of “I just need to drink” attitude night- which was all I needed and more- super fun and got back in the morning. I had forgotten my key somewhere and now there is the next pile of poop. Ey, She opens my door rudely at 9 am, says in 15 minutes out in the kitchen. She was shaking she was so angry. Tell me why you are leaving I don’t buy your shit of why you are wanting to change families (that was almost her words) And I said that It was because of the location, yes also because of the time and working hours, but I also included that and said that the traveling around just didn’t give me the time I needed to have for myself and wanted to continue, but she just freaking didn’t care again and blared out her thoughts and was being just rude and attitudy Then she said I didn’t need to come home without the keys that I had forgotten. And bla bla bla.. So obviously she is just freaking mad and nothing is going to calm her horse. Ey… so I just excepted it, I said I was sorry and didn’t mean to step on anyone’s hands or feet, she didn’t care she said that I shouldn’t say I am sorry because it’s not my problem and was rude again. Left comments like “ And I bought you a sky teacher because I put in emotions into this relationship- which I am sure she usually doesn’t do at all- and said that that was just a waste. Seriously, I have been one of their best Au pairs by far. I have done soooo soo soo much for them. I have always been polite considerate, respectful. In all these troubled 2 days I have always kept my goals and values in mind and have been very respectful. Never have I ever disrespected them. So it’s really quite the little, amazing aspect to see the mother be this rude. The father is nice and seems to at least respect my choice. I think in a way he understands. When I had first talked to this family over the phone, she said these exact words: If it doesn’t work out then that is fine and we will find other solutions. Crazy… To give this mother the cherry on top, with hidden personality traits I hadn’t seen quite that bluntly or even expected them this harsh, she amazingly still acts like a child. So It’s 2.15 I am supposed to work at 3.30. I couldn’t get a hold of the person with my keys so I was f‘d. So I decided I needed to just ring the bell and tell her that I need to get the keys later from a friend. Huh, soo the car is there and no one is answering the door. So I left with my car and shortly after I left I received the phone call to meet up and get my keys. I sat down by Mas Roig , which is a little place “plaza” in Valldoreix. So as I was sitting there waiting for time to go by, because I sure wasn’t in a hurry to go back to “crazy, wild and emotional loaded” war games, so I sat it out by just talking. At 3.30 perfectly on the dot I got there. She asked, where the keys had been. I told her at a friends, she answered rudely with her head shaking again (this time it was just a “you little stupid, au pair” shaking head and said:” why did your friend have the keys”. Well because they fell out last night. That is why. She shook her head again, she was rolling her eyes. Was blaming me. I just politely said,” I am very sorry, I didn’t mean to forget them. I didn’t do it on purpose. I am sorry that you were worried about the keys” Her mimic changed again a bit, and was saying: “ well I am not blaming you, seriously switching a 180, right from what all she had just said before. So then she asks me if I had eaten down at Mas Roige, because she had seen me, when she had picked up her daughter from the bus. I said: “ No I had tried to get into the house, but no one answered the bell and opened me.” (this is all in front of the daughter-but of course I just said this politely in a not rude way or anything, just conversation material) So She asked, what time it was. I told her the time and she answered, well I did shower today. Hahaha, yes, I am sure she showered at 2.15 a half hour before she is picking up her daughter. This woman seriously would never spend a day not getting ready until 2.15 pm. And also the fact that there was food cooked and made. I mean who brought the food?- the catering service. So I am pretty sure she was standing in the kitchen cooking and did it because I obviously didn’t have the keys- we have this video camera thingy were you can see whose out by the gate. Can you imaging how childish this is. I feel like I am back in 5-6 grade when these games were done with friends. Being mean and rude to one another. But I just feel super uncomfortable and wish I could just up and leave. I am keeping my head high, higher then ever. I am doing just the same great job, or maybe even a bit more, all of my chores and even more, and am leaving this place with my head high. She has come down, and I think it is because I just didn’t bite into her cheese, her games, her rudeness. I have been an adult and I think she realized this. The girls are breaking my heart. They ask all these questions. “so how long will you be at this family for” then I reply: “until the end of the year and then I will see.” and then she says, “but didn’t you want to stay with us for 2 years maybe.” It is the saddest thing and I am so going to miss these two girls. I feel so bad for leaving the children. And it’s hard because they can’t really follow or understand why. So it’s sad. To all my backups, my Au pair friend and more that I have known, had left Au pair families before, because of location and stuff. And their families which they didn’t necessary like very much/ the Au pair families were rude to the Au pairs have all been understanding and respectful. So any ways, this is what has been going on. I am not sure if I brought her rudeness out enough. Because I really have been sooo super nice and doing all and more! - It’s rough to take in all her madness, it makes me feel like I hadn’t done a great job these past 2 months, but I know she had told her friends that I have been super great! So I mean, it’s sad it has to be this way, but at least I am not the one causing it to be this way- right?!