I am loosing it

I am not sure if a lot of you can relate to this, but I am definitely loosing it. My English. It’s unbelievable. The grammar/ “sentence structure” is so different, quite the opposite even, if you compare German and English with one another. Therefore my “blogging” entrees sound so hilarious. Even this sentence. It’s hard and sometimes I ask myself, how am I going to fit even another language inside of that blonde curly head of mine? Then I translate my English toughts into German and the Germans laugh, cause it sounds quite hilarious.
The language barier is one thing, but I also feel that I have lost something else.
I am not going to lie, it’s quite hard being here in Germany. Everything is fine, but I left it behind for a reason, I think. I wanted to start a new different life because “my old one” in Germany wasn’t the best fitting one for me. I wanted to create a better one, find different cultures and more. One that fits to me. And maybe it is even myself that has changed and molded into someone else, I hate to say this but I feel like I have grown out of my German times. It doesn’t seem like me anymore, its not enough, its just not my size anymore. I lost a bit of my Germanself.
I hate to be so judgmental and nag, but I look around and I find that there is a lot of things that I started to like in the US rather then how its done in Germany. Everyone smokes here and it doesn’t seem to bother anyone, but me. My hair stinks, my clothes and even my mouth taste like smoke. I feel that Americans in some ways, are more health oriented, and I feel that I have grown into a person, that really cares for it. I rarely find any parties interested in my “health conversations”. Another thing is that no one is friendly. Of course with my “American way”, it seems to charm them to be happy.(of course the people can be friendly , but some chose not to because why should they?, cut yourself a piece from American customer service and use it, I strongly recomand it) Like this one table said: “I can tell that you had spend a long time in the US, because you have a very nice Oar to yourself. You are very kind and friendly”. I have been observing a lot and just… I guess I keep finding things to nag on. There I ask myself: How do you take the brutal right to be so judgmental? Sometimes I am discussing in my head if I am picky, or righteous to say so, or simply a stuck up brad that can’t live a different way then hers wishingly made-up in her head. (Do I need to be send into the exile to leave a life worth complaining about?)
I know this is a lot of insight. A lot of thoughts. But has anyone else been in a situation like this?! I feel like I lost it all, I gave up everything. And now I compromise with my worsen English, my lifestyle I enjoyed and other things like Someone who I became. I feel that I am challenged and looking at it from the outside perspective I really see the positive in it. Well no, it actually is really even a reason I came here for, now thinking of it. It is myself. Finding who I am. What will make me happy. I bet, you all are asking yourselves of why I am even concerned about Germany. If I don’t like it, why not just leave it beehind. Well like I said, I am loosing it- I don’t know where home is. It is very interesting because I put this theory onto a friend of mine, who had the same views of it. I like this about the US, I also disagree on this. Then Germany has many good perspectives in this view, but bad on this one or more. Spain I love the lifestyle, but… ect.
It’s funny because she is in the same triangle as I- Germany, USA and now coming Spain..We asked each other where home is: We both replied, well only the future will tell!
 I also hate to say this but I am afraid this journey will make me even more lost of were I belong, what if I love Spain and will disagree onto the good ole US. Therefore I really ask myself: Does the experience of culture in young ages build you to who you are. And what if? - Do we get spoiled by the great advantages of every countries unique Flavor? And do we not want to compromise afterall anymore? -Is there an "dream" country, to find?
As I am a… , or lets say, trying always to be a optimist- For this journey, I pray for a lot of optimism, joy and adventurisms. But also most of all insight into myself and into faith of god. So I take every heartache as a pulse beating for more. Every wanted tear as a drop of sweat for courage. And every thought of regret or second thoughts of a sign that life was to comfortable and I needed a challenge.